On Self-Care

I love this phrase: socially exhausted.

I’m not going to call myself an introvert because I find the term has become overly popular lately, with online quizzes that label anyone who doesn’t want to put pants on sometimes or likes to relax quietly after a night out as introverted. If I had to put a name to it, I might call myself “socially exhaustible.” I can function in social situations, even enjoy myself, but getting to know new people or spending time in crowds or groups drains me pretty quickly. I love the people I love and draw strength and joy from them, and I do genuinely like learning more about new friends, but I need some regular and intentional me-time if I want to continue functioning.

If that sounds like you, READ DIS:

https://ontheuplift.wordpress.com/2016/10/06/self-care-for-the-socially-exhausted/

Losing Your Mind Over Nothingness

Oh man, does this description of her mental spiral sound familiar to me...

So, I let a situation that is completely irrelevant to me, out of my control, and 100% not my business, absolutely destroy my day. Oops.

I obsessed over it. I talked it through with my bestie. I ate approximately one bazillion chocolate-covered almonds for dinner. I might have done a little bit of crying.

I tried to take my mind off of it, but I kept choosing to replay everything in my head over and over again.

http://us5.campaign-archive1.com/?u=17c1d1bd92a5e1774fe0e76f8&id=e96a46b091&e=7eef2ecd59

Stop Trying To Have It All

My version of this is a constant struggle for me, and I suspect it's true for most of us.

What’s changed is not our inability to manage our time or “balance our lives” between work and play. What’s changed is that we have more opportunities for work and play than ever before — more interests, more awareness of every potential experience we’re passing up. In short, we have more opportunity cost.

And we’re made aware of this in a terribly connected way each day. Every person who decides to sacrifice their dating life to advance their career is now bombarded constantly by the rambunctious sex lives of their friends and strangers. Every person who sacrifices their career prospects to dedicate more time and energy to their family is now bombarded with the material successes of the most exceptional people around them at all times. Every person who decides to take a thankless but necessary role in society is now constantly drowned in inane stories of the famous and beautiful.

So how do we respond to this new, overly-connected culture? How do we manage our FOMO?

You CAN and SHOULD read it all: https://markmanson.net/you-cant-have-it-all

How To: MED

Two good posts regarding Minimum Effective Dose training, something I struggle with.

If you, too, want to do more more more all the time, please read & absorb the lessons shared here:

https://jmortontraining.wordpress.com/2016/04/28/how-to-minimize-gym-time-and-make-room-for-the-rest-of-life/

http://www.niashanks.com/doing-too-much/

Of Course You're Tired

Read at the end of six straight overbooked months. I've needed to read this since about halfway through, but better late than never.

...the truth is, we’re all tired. Every single one of us. By a certain age, we are all nothing more than an army of broken hearts and aching souls, desperately searching for fulfillment. We want more but we’re too tired to ask for it. We’re sick of where we are but we are too scared to begin again. We need to take risks but we’re afraid to watch it all come crashing down around us. After all, we’re not sure how many times we will be able to start over.

http://brightside.me/article/read-this-when-youre-tired-of-everything-20255/

You Are Not A Giraffe

A fascinating discussion of anxiety from an evolutionary perspective.

On any given day, most of your choices as a giraffe—like what to eat or where to sleep or when to avoid a predator—make an immediate impact on your life. You live in what researchers call an Immediate Return Environment because your actions deliver immediate benefits. Your life is strongly oriented toward the present moment.

Now, let’s flip the script and pretend you are one of the humans vacationing on safari. Unlike the giraffe, humans live in what researchers call a Delayed Return Environment.

Most of the choices you make today will not benefit you immediately. If you do a good job at work today, you’ll get a paycheck in a few weeks. If you save money now, you’ll have enough for retirement later. Many aspects of modern society are designed to delay rewards until some point in the future.

http://jamesclear.com/evolution-of-anxiety

High Stress -> Poor Results

I mean, how many times do we need it reinforced?

"Daily" seems to be about right for me...

Most people only look at the training performed in the gym or on the track when assessing levels of fatigue. However, the body doesn’t differentiate between mental, emotional, or physical stress. As far as the systems of the body are concerned, stress is stress.

http://breakingmuscle.com/mobility-recovery/stress-is-ruining-your-fitness

Empathy: Double-Edged Sword

This article is about parenting, but as a highly empathic person, this rings true for all areas of life.

As their children’s depressive symptoms increased, so did empathetic parents’ inflammatory markers. The findings were consistent with previous research showing that caregivers of people with chronic illness develop chronic inflammation and elevated stress hormones over time.

Why is this? Empathy requires us to push our own feelings aside to focus on someone else’s, an effort linked to increased stress and higher inflammation. Empathetic parents may also be more willing to sacrifice their own health for their children’s sake, forgoing things like sleep, exercise, and other activities that could mitigate the stress of caregiving.

It's a nice reminder to attend to your own health first.

http://qz.com/625044/being-a-good-parent-will-physiologically-destroy-you-new-research-says/

Resilience: The Game-Changer

This is something I know to be true: I am not resilient. I do not bounce back. I do not brush things off. I do not move on quickly.

I've always wished I could, because my way is fairly miserable.

This post tells me that maybe we can learn resilience.

Human beings are capable of worry and rumination: we can take a minor thing, blow it up in our heads, run through it over and over, and drive ourselves crazy until we feel like that minor thing is the biggest thing that ever happened. In a sense, it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. Frame adversity as a challenge, and you become more flexible and able to deal with it, move on, learn from it, and grow. Focus on it, frame it as a threat, and a potentially traumatic event becomes an enduring problem; you become more inflexible, and more likely to be negatively affected.

http://www.newyorker.com/science/maria-konnikova/the-secret-formula-for-resilience

High Achievers & Exercise: A Dangerous Combo

Stefani drops some knowledge bombs again: http://paleoforwomen.com/do-you-exercise-too-much/

I used to overexercise, big time. Two-a-days were common: a run at lunch, then lifting weights with a friend after work. Maybe even a long marathon training run on Saturday morning, followed by a date in the weight room.

It was fun, and it felt good. I was never at the level of those who talk about 6-hour days of group fitness plus their OWN workout, no, but it was quite a lot.

For a while, it was fine; I felt great, I dropped fat, I was having the time of my LIFE feeling and looking so good.

Until I wasn't.

Slowly I fell backward, until I reached a point where I was constantly tired and incapable of completing my marathon training runs, diagnosably depressed, and stuck in a loooong cycle of restriction & binge-eating.

The above post by Stefani aptly describes the physical mess I made for myself, and it's been a long road to recovery.

Now, during my busy work season (six 10-hour workdays), getting in three sessions of lifting per week is perfectly possible, but anything beyond that feels like effort I can't produce. Sometimes I log a running date with friends & my dogs, but it's only for the social aspect; the run itself is not something I crave.

Yet I often feel like it's not enough, I should be doing more, why can't I squeeze in something on my off days?

Because I can't.

I mean, sure, on paper, in theory, I have room for a workout; just pop down to my own basement and play with a kettlebell or bike for a while or do some yoga...but most days, I have no room in my BRAIN when I finally get home from a draining day, 12 hours after I left.

And I have to tell myself regularly: that's okay.

Once spring arrives, and tax season ends, and my brain calms down again, my running will ramp up without reducing my lifting, and I will be capable of 6 days of [smart] exercise per week. But in the meantime, I'm just plain not, unless I want to smash into a brick wall of exhaustion and depression again. (Spoiler alert: I don't.)

This is what I've had to learn: I am driven to do more, better, farther, heavier, always, at any cost, because I'm an Achiever with a capital A. But despite my brain's desires, my body will usually not be able to pay the cost of those achievements, so I have to scale back to less. But the result of backing off is a capable, resilient body; one that feels good and still lets me do MOST of what I want.

I'm still learning, and my capability changes, sometimes unexpectedly. But one of the key things I've learned is that mental stress changes my capacity dramatically.

Wherever you are on the exercise spectrum, you have mental stress (job, finances, spouse, kids, bad hair days), and that has much the same effect on your body as a hard workout (though without the strengthened muscles, sadly), and you need to take that into account when deciding how much more physical stress to add in the form of exercise.

Sure, many people aren't doing anything at all, but those people probably aren't reading this. You are probably closer to the end of doing too much. Even if you think it doesn't apply: if you feel like what you do isn't enough, really EXAMINE that idea.

Enough for what? For who? We often judge ourselves harshly by comparing to the topmost achievers. But what they're doing is irrelevant.

What are your goals, honestly & truly, right now, during this season of your life?

Regularly beating yourself to a sore pulp feels good, it floods you with endorphins, and it feels like you're really accomplishing something when your muscles ache and your joints creak as you crawl out of bed...but few of us have goals demanding that level of exercise. Harsh workouts are on the opposite end of the spectrum from the goal of lifelong health.

Exercise should be enjoyable and provide you with strength and energy and stress release. If that isn't what it's doing for you, you need to make a change, and it's a lot easier to do it before you are FORCED to do it by a body battling back at you.

Find your capacity for awesome, and then celebrate your achievements with the world. (Hint: "the world" includes you.)

You Are Perfect[ly Imperfect]

This is a quick read, but a little nugget of gold:

It is like when you really want a bag of chips. You say to yourself, "You can't have chips. They are bad for you. They have too many calories. They will make you fat"  You listen, then you go to the refrigerator and eat some carrot sticks, then some yogurt, then a piece of cheese, then an apple. None of these things satisfy the initial craving. SO..you end up with the chips anyway. Why not listen to your need in the first place?

Find your things. You will need certain things in your everyday life (my things include coffee, reading, lifting, running, time with friends, writing, daily salads), and you will need certain things in your max-stress life (my things include less running, less time with friends, more reading, potato chips).

And most of all, you need to forgive yourself for needing those things. They are simply what you need. There is no judgment.

http://www.loveyourbodyproject.org/#!Perfectly-Imperfect-Sound-Familiar/c1fhr/564227050cf21009be806611

For Those Who Love to Train Hard

Jen Comas totes nails it with this post. It's a healthy way to think about just how much training you need. It's couched in terms of fat loss goals, but really, it's true for ANY goal.

Why I like it:

It's a smart throat-punch to all the "fitspiration" bullshit that tells you if you aren't crawling out of the gym, you haven't worked hard enough

While she acknowledges the mental payoff you might be getting from such a physical beating...she tells you to knock that shit off anyway.

I mean, I suspect heroin feels totes amazing, as well, but it's pretty obvious that you shouldn't do it, regardless. So, let's apply the same logic to overtraining: it might feel good, but it's not worth the high risk that it will Fuck. You. Up.

It can feel good to work up a sweat, and a bit of soreness can serve as a nice reminder that we moved our bodies. However, the sad truth is that neither of those things means much, if anything, with regard to how beneficial the workout was. Those things may feel nice emotionally, but they don’t always have a solid physiological carryover. 

...

The body treats training as a form of stress and reacts to it the same way that it reacts to anything else that’s stressful—sick kids, a looming work deadline, or being chased by a bear. Training can feel good emotionally, but stress is stress is stress, and cortisol will always respond accordingly. 

Go fetch some smarts: https://www.girlsgonestrong.com/training-hard/

Avoiding Burnout

An interesting take on how to avoid burnout:

http://kentnguyen.com/personal/getting-rid-burnouts/

My Secret to Getting Rid of Burnout Permanently

...

What I have learnt to be extremely crucial in looking at the matter is another way of defining it: burning out is result of not being able to do what you love or what is important to you regularly.

...

The solution is actually quite simple: do what you love and is important to you regularly.

Another way to look at it is to ask yourself: what is it that you absolutely cannot miss out?

...

It feels accurate to me, as someone who has all-too-often hit burnout mode. I've come to realize my key bucket-fillers are trails with friends, barbell dates, quiet time in my backyard, and breakfast with my beloveds. Even when I'm working a ton of hours (three jobs!), these things will keep me refreshed and going strong, with ease. THRIVING, even. Take any of them away, and things begin to fall apart quite quickly.

Winter makes three of mine a big struggle, when my yard is an icy wasteland, I feel like I can't make time for breakfast (three jobs), and my trails may not be accessible. However, as winter is also my busiest work season, the need to refill regularly is magnified. I've either got to find more bucket-fillers, learn to prioritize breakfast outings, or take up a deep-snow hobby like snow-shoeing. Or all of the above.

Interesting side note: a few years ago, merely running was a need, but it has shifted to running TRAILS with FRIENDS, which has become a very important difference. Be sure you are clear on exactly what you need!
 

I hope you already know what you need in your life to feel fulfilled & content & energized for your busy days.

If not, it's absolutely worth taking the time to figure it out, before you burn out again. And if you still burn out, you haven't quite found the right bucket-fillers - keep looking, keep asking, keep searching, so you can keep thriving.

You can have it all!

This.

EVERYTHING THIS SAYS.

From the Love Your Body Project: Peace, Love, and Food, worth following.

I see lots of women who are just overloaded. They have a full-time job, children to raise, a marriage to maintain, other family members to deal with, social obligations and Lord knows what else. Growing up, the message for some women was, "you can have it all!" And so, we thought that was the ideal to pursue: having it ALL.

These same women desperately try to make it all work as perfectly as they can. And they are so HARD on themselves because they aren't Superwoman. You see, they have ALL OF THAT responsibility that I listed above and then wonder why they can't muster up more energy to work out five days a week and look like a fitness model.

"But, look at Susie over there! She has just as much on her plate and can do it! She can go to Zumba five times a week!! And she wears a size 4!"

"I commute an hour each way, am responsible for feeding my family, have to help my kids with their homework, and, well, I know I'm just making excuses, but...I'm just too tired to go to the gym. I wish I weren't so lazy."

BUT REMEMBER YOU CAN HAVE IT ALL LADIES! YOU CAN BE ANYTHING YOU WANT TO BE!!

Well, what if I don't WANT IT ALL?? What if I can't HANDLE it all???

Please, I implore you to go read this, NOW, and absorb the message in full:

http://cyndilourunning.blogspot.com/2015/05/you-can-have-it-all.html

The Overkill Cult

Holy wow, did this ever hit close to home for me:

The Overkill Cult is a cultural delusion that working 60+ hour weeks at the expense of everything else in our lives is not only a necessary part of success, but that doing so is somehow honorable.

The insidious thing about the Overkill Cult is that it masquerades as all the things we like most about ourselves: dedication, ambition, follow-through, responsibility.

It tells us to push harder, stay later, sleep when we’re dead. It tells us we’re never going to get ahead if we don’t show up first and go home last.

Cleverly, wickedly, the Overkill Cult persuades us to hang ourselves with our own strengths.

And if we don’t break free, we’re all going to die.

http://lengstorf.com/overkill-cult/

I hope you don't see yourself described in perfect detail, as I did.

If you do...let's both change. I've already given notice at my soul-sucking corporate job (okay, it's not that bad, but it's on the fast-track to it), and soon I will trade it out for two half-time jobs that I already do & love.

I'm losing pay, benefits, and the prestige of leadership at a large (for my area) employer. And I don't care.

Because I'm gaining my sanity.

There will still be >40-hour weeks with these jobs; one of them means 15 straight loooong weeks during tax season. But I've already been doing that - and then it ends. The other job may require some longer days, or some later nights, sometimes weekend events. But they are temporary, and done for good, specific reasons; not indefinitely and because there is far too much work for far too few brains but no plan to change that problem, like my current employer.

Work is not your life. Your LIFE is your life, and work is meant to provide you with means to live the life you want. Make sure yours is doing that. If it's providing you means that you don't even have time to spend, then seriously, really, truly: you're doing it wrong. And if you have more time than money, consider that you might be the successful one.

You can always make more money.

You can never make more time.

If Your Body Could Talk...

...this is TOTALLY what it would say!

We need to talk…

Hey you!

Put down that device and listen up. I have something to say and I need your complete attention.

This is your body speaking. Remember me? I’m the one that keeps you alive. I’m the one that makes it all happen for you. I’m the one that learns your world. I’m the ultimate source of your creativity and yes, your intelligence. But I’m getting really tired of the way you’ve been treating me lately. In fact, I think it’s time to call this for what it is: an abusive relationship.

And on & on. So good.

Go read: http://blog.exuberantanimal.com/we-need-to-talk/

I've heard many references to Exuberant Animal, but never checked it out. So glad I finally did, so sorry I didn't do it sooner.

Letting Go

My wise friend shared this link, and it's not just a nice "a ha" kind of article; it's got concrete advice.

Letting Go of Frustrations & Stress

Here’s the thing that will help us in the letting go process: it’s not really the other people or the incoming requests or the shopping or errands or messes that stress us out and frustrate us. It’s not the external circumstances — it’s our desire that relates to these circumstances.

What do I mean? Well, having errands (external circumstance) isn’t the cause of stress — it’s wanting to get all of them done by a certain time, and the worry that we won’t, that stresses us out. Having someone criticize you (external circumstance) doesn’t cause stress — it’s wanting to not be criticized that causes it. Kids making a mess (external circumstance) isn’t the cause of frustration — it’s wanting them not to make the mess that frustrates us.

http://bemorewithless.com/lettinggo/

Mind Your Busyness

The Disease of Being Busy

What happened to a world in which we can sit with the people we love so much and have slow conversations about the state of our heart and soul, conversations that slowly unfold, conversations with pregnant pauses and silences that we are in no rush to fill?

How did we create a world in which we have more and more and more to do with less time for leisure, less time for reflection, less time for community, less time to just… be?

...

I am not asking how many items are on your to-do list, nor asking how many items are in your inbox. I want to know how your heart is doing, at this very moment. Tell me. Tell me your heart is joyous, tell me your heart is aching, tell me your heart is sad, tell me your heart craves a human touch. Examine your own heart, explore your soul, and then tell me something about your heart and your soul. 

Please take 10 minutes to read this: http://onbeing.org/blog/the-disease-of-being-busy/7023

Then read this, a fantastic follow-up: http://onbeing.org/blog/the-thief-of-intimacy-busyness/7031

And then find your schedule, cross some shit off it, and fill that blank space with...nothing. Sweet, blissful, quiet, pointless, meaningful nothingness. Better yet, exactly that, with someone or something you love.

Some of the best moments I've had lately have been cuddling up next to my dog on the floor, hugging him, rubbing his soft brown ears, and telling him that he's the best doggy in the whole wide world.

Meanwhile my house gets dirtier, the dishes get crustier, recorded TV shows don't get watched, and my favorite podcasts stack up. It sounds like a giant waste of time to sit there with my pooch, right?

My friend, it is the perfect waste of time.

Carrying Stress

A few weeks back I had a shitty experience with someone who is otherwise amazing, and I dwelled on it. And dwelled and dwelled and fucking DWELLED. I internalized the issue and basically could not stop thinking about it for days.

And then I read this short little blurb, and from then onward, whenever my thoughts started to trek back toward those awful thoughts, I would tell myself, "Put the glass down." This would interrupt that crazy train and settle my thoughts back down, until I was eventually over it.

It may also work for you. Take 30 seconds to read this: http://kathyhadleylifecoach.com/put-the-glass-down/