Steps Toward Normal

A continuation of her prior post, which I shared last month:

It is so important to note that my unhealthy lifestyle was not the cause of my problems, it was just a symptom of a larger issue, not being true to myself and not living an authentic life. I think this is the case with most people who adopt unhealthy eating and workout patterns. A larger issue or stressor is causing them to use exercise and nutrition in a negative manner to control whatever they are feeling powerless over. Like an injury, unless you address the root cause of the problem, you will never find a permanent solution, and will likely experience one setback after another. I eventually recognized this, and made loving my authentic self and living my life openly a huge priority. After all, doing so was a choice. This is when all aspects of my life changed for the better, including my workouts and nutrition.

http://www.meghancallawayfitness.com/my-blog/owning-it-part-2-how-to-create-a-healthy-lifestyle-after-spending-years-having-a-dysfunctional-one

Body Shaming: Never Ever Okay

Erin Brown is the kind of woman I want to be. So much of what she writes feels like a punch to the gut, a light shone on my dark past, and a warm bear hug - sometimes all at once. She is brilliant, articulate, and I will read anything she writes. I recommend you do the same.

Shaming someone based on assumptions we make from our perception of them does nothing at all to encourage healthy choices. That remains the same, regardless of the size of the person on whose body we are commenting. While we are not expected to know what someone is going through, we can offer compassion by not judging, not offering commentary and not making their appearance our business. 

To live in a world where women are regarded as people and not decoration, we need to stop making comments on other women’s appearance as though it is our right to do so. We’ll be doing each other a favor.

https://www.girlsgonestrong.com/body-shaming-any-body/

You Are More Than Your Body (Fat)

Neghar, bless her smart heart, has a great post here:

In the last few years, I’ve had the extreme pleasure of fully regaining my worthiness and completely detaching it from my physique. A number of these universal truths contributed to that process.

I want to share five mindset shifts that helped me in my process, and that you might find helpful as well, whether you’ve just begun your journey to body acceptance, or you’re well on the way.

Great stuff: https://www.girlsgonestrong.com/your-body/

One For The Males To Read

A post about the endless ways, big & small, that men try to control women. And it's written by a man.

She doesn’t owe you a smile, a wave, her phone number, a date, a second date, a kiss, a blowjob or a fuck. It doesn’t matter if you complimented her, bought her drinks, took her to dinner, gave her a ride or made her a mix tape. She doesn’t owe you shit.

...

Stop turning a blind eye. Believe what women say, and admit that rape culture is a real thing. I know some people call bullshit on that term, but after reading the comments in this piece what the hell else would you call it?

There are some powerful stories in this post.

Men, go read them. No matter what. Do it. Fucking DO IT.

http://www.bodyforwife.com/she-doesnt-owe-you-shit/

Women, go read them if you are mentally okay with stories of men overpowering women for no reason but that they can. If you have trauma you are still coping with, please don't read. You don't need any more of this shit. (Well, none of us do, but those of us strong enough may need some more reasons to fight.)

Yeah, but WHY?

Neghar drops some knowledge bombs about her switch from leanness to easy comfort:

I was hustling to be lean… because I was hustling to be lean. 

I wasn’t competing.  I wasn’t even modeling at that point. I just needed—desperately—to be lean. There was no other reason, or no real reason, anyway.

Why did I need to be so lean? Why was my body fat the main focus of my entire life? Why did I struggle, and hustle, and cry when the scale showed a one-pound gain?

Read it all, and ask yourself for your own WHY: https://www.girlsgonestrong.com/transform-your-workout/

I've said it before, and I'll say it until I die: no one who matters cares how lean you are.

Go live your life, darling.

So Much More Than Beauty

I dearly wish I had grown up this way:

The things is, in terms of importance, being physically attractive lagged WAY behind being funny, smart, hard-working, brave, creative, and about a thousand other qualities in my book. I actually regarded “beautiful” as a pretty lousy compliment, almost a back-handed insult. It seemed to me that you would only compliment someone’s appearance if they didn’t have many inner riches, and my mother was clearly bursting at the seams with inner riches. I could have complimented my mom all day, and “beautiful” never would have come up. There were simply too many other, more important, things to compliment.

http://jessikneeland.com/my-mother-wasnt-beautiful/

This entire post is an incredible tribute to a mother who raised her daughter to believe beauty was unimportant.

Please read it, especially if you are a parent, most especially if you have a daughter. Teach her that everything else about HER is much more vital than her outer shell.

Being Big - And Loving It

I aspire to have this mentality. Erin Brown is my idol. I recently acquired her book and can't wait to dive in.

Since I let go of my own damaging self-talk, I have found so many things to love and celebrate about my body at every size. But here is what I enjoy about being big:

It feels rebellious.

Having spent so much time and energy in the past beating myself up for being big, loving my bigness feels like a revolution. There are so many ways women are asked to be small, that being proud of being “big” feels wonderfully radical. It’s a tiny victory in a lifetime of feeling shame over my size.

 https://www.girlsgonestrong.com/big/

Rewards: Dangerous Territory

As a general rule, intrinsic motivation > extrinsic motivation.

If the outcome of your goal (say, exercise three times a week consistently) is the prize itself (you've made exercise a habit, woo hoo!), you will be more likely to succeed rather than setting a reward for its achievement, which creates a mental "finish line" which begs the question...now what?

This post talks about the same thing in terms of food-as-reward - it's a quick read, go enjoy:

The difference between allowing an indulgence and deserving one suggests an element of worthiness unbecoming of eating a simple danish. When we give a simple treat reward value, we exalt it to a level that allows for a fair amount of control over how we behave. And even worse, our misguided importance of said indulgence may sometimes give us license to use it as a means of self-sabotage.

http://markfisherfitness.com/blog/the-cherry-danish-conundrum-are-you-worthy-enough/

What Will You Do Today?

Thoughts on self-talk, comparison, the destination vs the journey...again.

I keep sharing posts like this that seem to harp on the same thing, because I need constant reminders, and different people saying it in different ways, and I suspect you probably do, too.

It’s easy to lose perspective when you’re in the middle of an exercise program, the middle of a Whole30®, the middle of changing your life. There are always comparisons to be made – to others around you, to those in magazines or on TV… even to your past self. And the “used to,” the “could have,” the “should be able to” is the fastest way to destroy your self-esteem, halt your progress, and keep you focused on things that aren’t real. Holding yourself up to some societal ideal is damaging, but so is holding yourself up to some imaginary version of you – one who’s faster, stronger, leaner, or younger.

http://whole9life.com/2012/06/what-will-you-do-today/

Screaming From the Rooftops

Amanda Trusty got pissed, and then she wrote a fantastic post.

If you are recovering from disordered eating, or body dysmorphic disorder, or anything along those lines, this will likely ring incredibly true to your experience.

I want to scream at everyone, look at me! I’m alive, damn it! I feed myself, I clothe myself, I put myself to bed, I manage my emails, and I even put mousse in my hair. I am alive! And I have survived EVERYTHING up until this point. I’ve never been addicted to drugs! I’ve never gotten a DUI! I have a decent credit score!

I write important pieces and I teach girls how to dance and I stand up for what I believe in and I stand up for those who don’t have a voice and I love hard and I work harder and I follow my heart!

How is it that when you look at me, you can’t SEE that?!

That’s what I want to scream!

Being fat, is honestly the most miniscule thing compared to all the other motha fuckin’ THINGS! 

Please go read it all ranow: http://www.amandatrustysays.com/being-fat/

Numbers: Helpful or Hateful?

Numbers

Numbers used to rule my life. Whether it was the number on the scale, the number on the tag in my jeans or the amount of miles I ran each week, I lived by them. I relentlessly pursued perfection by using numbers as milestones. If I could weigh a certain amount, wear a certain size or boast a certain 5K time, I was bound to be happy. 

Right?

Wrong.

It was an empty pursuit. I didn't find perfection when I hit the milestones I set. Numbers didn't make me love myself. In fact, quite the opposite happened on many occasions. If the dreaded weigh ins did not reflect the desired result, I plunged deeper into self-loathing. If I didn't PR (personal record in running lingo) at every race I ran, I was a complete and utter FAILURE. If I DID hit my goal of weight, size or speed, my happiness was fleeting. In that split second, I felt the excitement of achieving something I had worked so hard for, but it never lasted. Like an addict with their drug of choice, I was on to the next weight goal, the next size down, the next fastest time.

I could have written this entire post, exactly, word for motherfucking WORD.

I wish I had. I'm seriously loving every post I read on this blog.

Here's the whole thing: http://cyndilourunning.blogspot.com/2015/05/numbers.html

The Perfect Body

Ever wish you could Photoshop your body? Then dig this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PsL7W-GHhJA

Look at how close she is to ideal, and realize: she still thinks she needs improving. There are still tweaks she can make. As gorgeous as she is - she's still not perfect.

But does she NEED to be perfect?

Do you?

Take Care of YOU

Beautiful stuff:

Your Self-Care is Your (Damn) Divine Responsibility

Oftentimes though, our biggest untapped potential lives in the places that we are most resistant to going, that we are most afraid of. So, we decide to play small in our lives. We don’t risk. We don’t stand in the scarier arenas. We maintain status quo. The more we avoid taking care of our mind, body and souls, of doing the uncomfortable internal and external work to keep ourselves in our best mental and physical space, the less we take action. We become more afraid of external judgment, and the less we are willing to risk.

The more we ignore clearing the space of our CRAP, the more we become stuck in cycles of how things should look, of what other people think, how RIGHT we are, and how WRONG others are. We shift blame. We get caught up in US versus THEM. We live in our own bubble, numbed and protected, and leaving our potential totally untapped.

http://www.bethwittig.com/why-your-self-care-is-your-divine-responsiblity/


And after you're through with that great post, you can find many more fantastic posts here: http://www.bethwittig.com/library/

Be MORE

Nia Shanks is one of my favorite bloggers. I love & agree with pretty much everything she writes. This post lays out almost every single big rock that matters, IMO:

http://www.niashanks.com/be-more-not-less/

It's fabulous, and I want you (everyone!)  to read it and GET IT. I want everyone to know, believe, understand, BE everything on her list.

She presents 13 keys to being more, not less. If there is too much NEW to absorb at once, then pick just one to focus on & delve into a bit more. You can start with whichever one is most frustrating or important to you at this moment. Or perhaps you want to start on the small end, tackle something that you feel you can easily adjust in your mind, and make it a baby step toward the big scary fearful rocks.

Get clicky, get thinky, focus on improving your mindset in one area at a time. Or you could read everything she's ever written, all at once, with your brain screaming YES YES YES!! at every post.

The "be more" concept of this post speaks to my very soul. It is something I remind myself daily, sometimes hourly.

Think about the meek, timid, barely-speaks-above-a-whisper person that you want to pick up and shake sometimes, scream SAY WHAT YOU WANT TO SAY FOR CHRISSAKE in their afraid-for-no-good-reason little face. All they want to do is hide from everyone because they are terrified to be themselves, to be seen, to be anything that anyone could ever be offended by. They don't just want to blend into the wallpaper, they want to BE the freaking wallpaper.

Do you love being around them? I sure don't (if that's not obvious).

Those people are massive energy vampires, constantly dragging you down into their pit of fear & worry, and we all need to avoid them like the infectious plague. Sometimes I find myself acting like that, and I hate it. When I recognize myself falling into that pit, I stop and remind myself to BE MORE. Who wants to live their life in that horrible, sad, SMALL place? Not this she-hulk.

Now, think about the loud, obnoxious people you know: the ones that grate on you when it's 7am and you're underslept and WHY ARE THEY SO LOUD FOR CHRISSAKE, can't they just shut up for once?

But don't you freaking LOVE being around them when you are your normal rested self (perhaps after more coffee)? Doesn't their bright, loud energy just overflow like a river, directly into you, infect you, make you silly, make you loud, make you downright obnoxious, too? And when you feel that giddy, don't you completely not care if others think you should shut up? And isn't it amazingly freeing to stop caring what others think?

Isn't it FAR MORE FUN to be your own true genuine self?!

I sure think so. So come on over, and be infectiously obnoxious with me. We'll have a grand old time! Be yourself, loudly and proudly, without shrinking, without fear, and we shall do ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING we want to do.

THRIVE along with me, my friend!

It is better to be TOO MUCH than to be TOO LITTLE.

–Sabrina Marthaler Hoppe

You Are Not Your Physique

I've shared several posts already about appearance, but I think it bears repeating, over and over AND OVER: 

No one cares how you look. 

If they do, they can fuck off. 

Your loved ones should care how you FEEL. You are not meant to be a pretty ornament in their world. 

Again, if you are: they can fuck off.

Nia Shanks puts these thoughts together in a much kinder, gentler fashion - go read her:

Allow me to be blunt: I don’t give a dang how you look. I don’t care how you look in a bikini. I’m not overly concerned with how much body fat or muscle definition you have (within reason, obviously, for overall health). I’m more concerned with what’s going on inside your mind. Are you happy? Confident? Are you building the body you want? Is this health and fitness journey ENHANCING your life, or dominating it?

Read read read: http://www.niashanks.com/stop-basing-self-worth-physique/

Thoughts on Work

Almost three weeks ago, my company laid off about 25% of the staff. Some of the folks who were cut had LIVED AND BREATHED their job for years. It was their life, their identity, their worth; they were perfect, walking examples of the culture espoused by the company. Yet their position was determined to be extraneous, so despite their utter devotion, they are left jobless.

This is shitty, and it's a good lesson.

It offers up serious perspective for we who remain, and anyone working anywhere: yes, we may love the company; yes, we may love our coworkers; yes, we may love our jobs; but IT IS A JOB. It is not our life, not our identity, not who we are. Be willing to bust ass temporarily, absolutely, when times require; but do not, do fucking NOT, bust ass indefinitely. It simply isn't worth it.

This also applies to someone building a business, a brand, creating a new world that needs attention & devotion & nurturing. That person may very easily let their identity become that new business, a dangerous thing. Yes, you may need to throw yourself in for a long, long while, but you must aim to build a business that doesn't indefinitely require slavish devotion to succeed, so that you can gradually remove yourself from full immersion, and enjoy a return to normal working hours that allows time with your people & your hobbies.

Either way, worker bee or top dog, it's simply not sustainable to invest your everything in your career. Even if it's fulfilling and energizes you, do you really want it to be your whole life? Would your significant other agree with such a priority?  Your kids? Your pets? The friends & relatives you're too busy to visit?

When you're at work, yes, please commit yourself. But when your hours are up, drop the worries, leave them right at that desk, and walk the fuck away; you'll pick them up again tomorrow. But leave them there each night.

Go home. Go play. Go love. Be there, fully present, in YOUR LIFE.

5 Pictures That Make You Feel Beautiful

Lately it's a thing on Facebook to share five pictures that make you feel beautiful. While I love the idea of finding things you like about yourself, and celebrating them, every time I see a friend do this, I cringe.

While some of these pictures are more about the feeling they had at the time (such as hugging a child), most of them are pictures from a wedding, or posed family shots, where they were specifically dolled up to look their best.

This tells us that most of the time, in ordinary everyday life, they do not feel beautiful, and some may think it's sad that they don't feel beautiful every moment.

I think it's a goddamn tragedy that anyone even thinks about it.

Because here's the thing I want them, you, me, all of us to get: no one cares what you look like. And if they do, fuck them and their shallow bullshit. Yes, that goes for your significant other, too.

Think about it: I hope you can agree with me when I say that I don't give a flying fuck what my friends look like. I care who they are inside: kind, funny, generous, smart, fun. They don't need to lose weight or gain weight or get stronger to change my opinion about them; fat or lean or in between, they are the same wonderful person to me, and the outside is irrelevant. If they are supermodel beautiful on the outside, but act like assholes, then we're absolutely not going to hang out.

The extent I might care about my friends' appearance is this: are you healthy enough to do the things you want to do? That is all that matters. If that's possible in your body's current state, then you are perfect as you are. You should post 5 pictures of those fun activities you can do.

If it's not possible in your body's current state, then start making progress, whether that means more strength or more endurance or whatever, to do those things you desire. And you should post 5 pictures of the efforts you're making.

And if, in those 5 pictures, you are a sweaty, ponytailed, unmakeuped messy disaster, then all the better!

Because the way you feel is more important than the way you look, and maybe when we stop trying to show only our best appearance, and instead just show ourselves in our real, honest glory, however that looks, we'll finally understand that it is in fact the GLORY of us that our loved ones truly love to see.

Our people don't care if we look perfect - they just want us to be perfectly happy.